slow autumn breaths

I’m sitting here, watching my nieces play together. Each time they cuddle with me or give me a hug or smile at my entrance, it’s like my world gets just a little bit better.

I drive West, and I see the mountains in the distance, shadowy giants guarding snowcapped strongholds, the sun illuminating only pieces here and there, clouds covering, clouds breaking… And I feel, just a little bit, like I could be okay.

This could be okay.
There is majesty here, beauty that I can fall into every day.

And then I move, I go to work, surrounded by new people, and I wrestle with this new term: orphan. Is that what I am now? It hurts to go to a place every day and interact with countless people who have no idea that I’m thinking about all this. Something fundamental has changed about who I am, and nobody here in Colorado knows it. I don’t think I’m looking for pity, I am simply looking for someone out there to recognize what is going on inside me and to offer me their acknowledgement, a hand to keep me going…

I don’t know how to find it. Instead of running to the One I know is there, reaching, holding… I search for comfort in stories and fantasies and all I want to do is escape this term, escape this state of being, escape this new way of living, of living without. I get so lost, and sometimes it still feels like I’m drowning.

So I step outside, I breathe in this autumn air, and I try to let the Majesty take me.
I can’t do this any other way.

Changing Seasons

Yesterday on Small Still, I wrote a post about the transition in Israel from King David to King Solomon, and I reflected upon the changing seasons in my own life:

In 1 Chronicles 22, King David makes preparations for the temple his son Solomon is to build for the LORD. God tells David that Solomon’s reign will be a time of peace and rest for Jerusalem. The fighting and bloodshed of David’s reign has ended, there is peace on all sides, and it is time for the people to rest secure, free from battle, in the land of their inheritance.

This rest is purposeful. There is a very important task to be completed during this time of peace and quiet, the task of building the temple of the LORD. David says, “Is not the LORD your God with you? And has he not granted you rest on every side? … Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the LORD your God.” (1 Chronicles 22:18,19)

Click to read the rest on Small, Still Voices!