lost at home

It’s strange to think that the last time I published a post I was caught in the middle of a whirlwind life in Edinburgh, Scotland and loving every twist and turn. Now I’m back in the United States, running back to my blog after over a month of absence, staring at the ‘edit post’ screen as I listen to the song ‘Between’ by Courrier over and over and over again. My time in Edinburgh came to a close last Tuesday, and I have cried every day since. I feel like I’m throwing a tantrum, clawing ferociously at my American life, kicking and screaming as I’m dragged away from all I became, from all I knew in Scotland.

Let me just stop right there and point out the dramatic lie. As I’ve been preparing to return ‘home,’ God has spoken numerous times to my friends in Edinburgh and has told them to tell me that I’m not going backwards. Literally, He has been very adamant about getting the message across to me that coming back to America is not a backwards slide, that I’m not going to lose what I gained. On the contrary, I’ve been given words like ‘Taking off’ and ‘Launching pad.’ I’m supposed to be going forward, so God says.

However, I’m beginning to notice that it’s easy to feel like you’re going backwards when you don’t know what going forward is supposed to look like. Because I don’t. I have no idea what’s supposed to happen in my life right now. I have no idea what the next step is; all I know is I want to finish school, but I’m dreading being stuck in this state for another year… and school doesn’t even start for another month anyway.

That’s why I think it’s so interesting that one of the songs I’ve gravitated towards while being back is titled ‘Between.’ Because that’s where I am right now. Between. Between what I really don’t know, but I have to trust God that what He says is true. I have to trust that I’m not going backwards, but forwards. It’s just so hard.

‘the day between the soil and the sky / the emptiness, a void, a heaviness, a sigh.’

‘and i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know how / to follow, to follow, to follow’

‘in the silence i am tricked into thinking you’ll forget / and i’ll be stranded like a man in a mine…’*

But God, You are so faithful. You won’t forget. I don’t want to be tricked.

You have been so faithful in Edinburgh:
speaking to me, leading me to friends, drawing us closer together and closer to You, providing the money for what i needed when i needed it, directing my steps, giving me two churches to call home, and filling me with strength and encouragement daily.

You were faithful there. You will be faithful here.

A way in the desert. Streams in the wasteland. See, I am doing a new thing!*

God, You are so good. I have to trust in Your promises; I can’t go backwards.

*Lyrics to ‘Between’ by Courrier
*See Isaiah 43:19