lost at home

It’s strange to think that the last time I published a post I was caught in the middle of a whirlwind life in Edinburgh, Scotland and loving every twist and turn. Now I’m back in the United States, running back to my blog after over a month of absence, staring at the ‘edit post’ screen as I listen to the song ‘Between’ by Courrier over and over and over again. My time in Edinburgh came to a close last Tuesday, and I have cried every day since. I feel like I’m throwing a tantrum, clawing ferociously at my American life, kicking and screaming as I’m dragged away from all I became, from all I knew in Scotland.

Let me just stop right there and point out the dramatic lie. As I’ve been preparing to return ‘home,’ God has spoken numerous times to my friends in Edinburgh and has told them to tell me that I’m not going backwards. Literally, He has been very adamant about getting the message across to me that coming back to America is not a backwards slide, that I’m not going to lose what I gained. On the contrary, I’ve been given words like ‘Taking off’ and ‘Launching pad.’ I’m supposed to be going forward, so God says.

However, I’m beginning to notice that it’s easy to feel like you’re going backwards when you don’t know what going forward is supposed to look like. Because I don’t. I have no idea what’s supposed to happen in my life right now. I have no idea what the next step is; all I know is I want to finish school, but I’m dreading being stuck in this state for another year… and school doesn’t even start for another month anyway.

That’s why I think it’s so interesting that one of the songs I’ve gravitated towards while being back is titled ‘Between.’ Because that’s where I am right now. Between. Between what I really don’t know, but I have to trust God that what He says is true. I have to trust that I’m not going backwards, but forwards. It’s just so hard.

‘the day between the soil and the sky / the emptiness, a void, a heaviness, a sigh.’

‘and i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know how / to follow, to follow, to follow’

‘in the silence i am tricked into thinking you’ll forget / and i’ll be stranded like a man in a mine…’*

But God, You are so faithful. You won’t forget. I don’t want to be tricked.

You have been so faithful in Edinburgh:
speaking to me, leading me to friends, drawing us closer together and closer to You, providing the money for what i needed when i needed it, directing my steps, giving me two churches to call home, and filling me with strength and encouragement daily.

You were faithful there. You will be faithful here.

A way in the desert. Streams in the wasteland. See, I am doing a new thing!*

God, You are so good. I have to trust in Your promises; I can’t go backwards.

*Lyrics to ‘Between’ by Courrier
*See Isaiah 43:19
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A Violent Flame

The life we lead is a violent flame
Trapped within this tender frame
To the end will the spark await, to rise

How long will you live, how long will you live a lie?
How long will you live, how long will you live to die?

The life we lead is a rise and fall
A narrative with a question mark
Lethargic is the writer’s block
Just keep running with me through it all

How long will you live
To die?

I know I’ve been sort of slacking in the blog department lately. I haven’t kept up with my challenge to post every other day. It’s been difficult on days when I just don’t feel like I have anything important to say, and I’ve also been sort of swamped and stressed with issues of life…. But my friend Jeff Goins wrote about lack of inspiration last week and he said,

“All I can do is show up. … I write to write — not to necessarily get published or praised. I write because I have to. And as I do the work, something mystical happens — I get inspired.”

I write because I have to… Those words have been swimming around in my head for the past few days. I want to just show up, and write, and take pictures, because I have to, because that’s what’s in me to do… That’s part of my violent flame that the Lord has placed within me, and He will use my “just showing up”  to bring about His glory.

I’m thankful to Jeff and the music of Courrier for inspiring me to take this photograph and post this blog today, and I’m thankful to God for putting these gifts and this fire within me.

Let your spark arise today.

Once again, I take inspiration from the amazing band, Courrier. Please check out their music at http://www.courriermusic.com/. You can listen to their debut album for free! …But then you should buy it, because they are awesome. :)

I have a thing for sun pictures…

In rays of golden light were the words you spoke
A witness in the sky was the promised hope
You’ll fly shining, you’ll fly shining
When the day breathed last in the cloudburst sky
I saw you like the sun in the shadows,
Shining, shining…

Today is the brightest, the brightest that I’ve ever known
I followed, I followed the sun all the way home.

You are resplendent with light, more majestic than mountains rich with game. – Psalm 76:4

May you enjoy the sun today.

The lyrics above are from an amazing band called Courrier. You should check them out: http://www.courriermusic.com/. And as always, you can click the photograph above to see it in a better size. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to format things on here… Thanks for stopping by <3