Brain Dump, February 2, 2012

My brain feels so fried,
I’m taking five classes this semester, all back to back on the same two days of the week. three of them are English classes, one is history, and one is [a breath of fresh air] geology.
I feel like I’m drowning in readings. Last night my dad tried to tell me some trivia, and I said to him, “I”m really sorry, but I just can’t take in any more information right now.”

Sometimes I think maybe it’s best that my friends are all scattered across the globe right now because I need to spend all my time reading, in class, or working, so I probably wouldn’t be able to hang out with them anyway.

my hair has random streaks of rust-orangey red in it after I dyed it last week, and I mean I coated the hole thing in henna mud and still only pieces of the color show. I really want to do it again with the rest of the mud and i contemplate putting it on in detail while bored in class, but now I’m too lazy to actually get around to doing it.

I’m supposed to be writing a blog for my friend Nick, and I’ve been working on a post for weeks and months but still have nothing to give to him. because I always have to sabotage any opportunity I get to get my voice out there and spread to a wider audience. I always sabotage any chance for future endeavors.

I wanted to write ‘endeavours’ just then because I got so used to the British spelling system and now I want to use it out of stubbornness.

because I wished I lived in the UK.

but there’s so much more of the world that I still want to see. so what do I do? do I try to get over to the UK for a while? or do I keep that in the back of my mind while I try to see the rest of the world? how do I even do that? teach overseas? go on the world race? hope I find someone who wants to give me an around-the-world tour as a present?

I want to find someone to travel the world with.

I want to be content with that someone being Jesus, because really He’s the best travel companion there is…

back to the writing thing — my Advanced fiction teacher told us that he would rather we not use elements of genre in our stories and practically dismissed Lord of the Rings as a piece of crap [he didn’t say that, but he said he’d weep in a bad way if we brought something like it to him], leaving me to assume that I must be a bad writer because I love using fantasy and sci-fi elements in my writing.

this is especially frustrating because I’ve been reading all about the power of myth in Waking the Dead and had desperately hoped this semester would be a time in which I could create a mythical story that spoke to the truths of our humanity.

maybe I still can, but I don’t know how yet.

today in class we learned that DaVinci said “Art dies in freedom but lives form constraint,” to which my teacher proclaimed that he compltely agrees, but he’s not putting any constraints on us this semester, except a slight length requirement and the no-genre rule. thanks, professor. I guess my art’s going to die now, like it’s been dying already. and I had been so excited about this class because I thought it would constrain me and force me through my writer’s block. now I’m just left with a vast open expanse of possibilities, no idea where to begin a story or how to even devise a conflict.

so I’m writing this blog post because I figure after all the information-intake over the past three days, I need to get something out.

Children of Promise

Today at Crossroads, we had a writers’ meet-up, where we were encouraged to share a piece that we had written. I chose to bring this piece, the piece that has been sitting in my documents for about a month since I got hit by the idea during a worship song. I was never sure what to say with it or whether or not it was finished, but I decided to read it anyway. And now I want to share it with you. This piece was inspired by the verse in Galations 4:28 that says, Now you, brothers and sisters, like Isaac, are children of promise, and also the fact that sometimes we forget who we are.

The children of Promise have deserted her.

[They’ve walked away from their inheritance.]

They’ve forgotten their names,
the names she gave them.
Instead of Cherished,
her daughter has taken the name Worthless.
Instead of Prince,
her son carries the name Slave.
From Beloved to Despised,
From Secure to Lost,
From Redeemed to Fallen…

They have grown weak, weary, and poisoned–
filled with food that is no good for them,
food that does not come from their mother’s table.

They run, they hide, they leave her by the wayside,

But they will always be children of Promise. She made them, that bond can never be broken. She cannot go back on who she is; she will always be their mother.

The children of Promise have an inheritance that can never be lost or stolen or exchanged. The blood remains the same; they–belong–to–her.

They will always be children of Promise, and she will welcome them back with open arms–
If only they’d turn around,
And remember the One, the promise, who gave them life.

Thoughts on creativity

Did you know that in the last day I’ve created three different drafts for new posts on this blog? (This is draft number four, by the way, in case you were wondering.) I also have about three new story ideas I’ve started in my stories folder. I’ve kept each document open while on the computer, though I haven’t gotten very far in any of them. I also have my journal where I hand-write things, and it’s all over the place right now as I change thoughts abruptly and jump lines. Some of the pages are just artistically shaded words that I draw around because I can’t draw pictures. — I only draw words, isn’t that interesting? — Anyway, for the past couple nights I’ve felt this overwhelming need to create, but when I try, nothing comes out, or at least, nothing that I can finish. I draw words because I don’t now what else to do, I just need to scribble. What do I do with this pent up creativity?

And why does it seem to happen so often?

Oh, well, I’ll unleash it one way or another, even if it’s just scribbling for my own enjoyment where no one else can see but the One who made me in the first place. You see, I need to create, even if no one on earth sees the final product… But I want you to see it, I want to express myself, to express Him; I want to show you that Light that’s chased me. Sometimes I feel I just can’t get it out.

My current playlist involves Sleeping at Last, and as I wrote this, their song “Next to Me” came on, it starts like this:
Oh, our futures were written with crayons in coloring books
It was misspelled and outside the lines and we loved how it looked.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to connect this to the rest of my blog post, but it’s just so creatively cute that it struck a chord with me. I would love a coloring book and some crayons right now. I would attack the paper, giving the princess blue-orange hair and coloring outside the lines to create fun shapes and background patterns… Simple creativity without hindrance, that’s all I want. Maybe God would put it on His fridge — you know, just between Monet and Da vinci. His fridge must be humongous to hold all our scribbles…

I think creativity is a mark of the Divine within us… And it makes God smile to see our attempts to be like Him, to paint the sky with a brush as He did with His hand…

Thank you for letting me ramble out this stream-of-consciousness post on being creative. I hope you can be creative today, too. <3

The songs that spoke for me…

It feels good to stretch my blogging muscles again!

I suppose I should start by explaining the title of this blog. It’s a title I’ve used since the old blogging days, but I never really explained it, not even to myself.

The title comes from the song “Outside the Wall” on Pink Floyd’s The Wall:

All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really love you,
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand,
Some gather together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.
And when they’ve given you their all,
Some stagger and fall
After all, its not easy,
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

I am an artist, and I want to use my art to make my stand. I want to express what is in my heart and tear down the walls of this world.

The header for this blog is a photo that I took as part of my “Spirituality” assignment in Digital 1 last semester. Here is the resulting photo:



I hope to post more photos, words, song lyrics, and scripture on this blog because that is what is meaningful to me.

The bleeding hearts and artists make their stand.