I haven’t been to church in a very long time. I have appreciated the Ait Caol services for autumn and winter very much. I missed the spring one due to a prior engagement. I didn’t know what to do about Easter. Last week, I pulled my sick self out of the house to visit the Summer Solstice service. I only stayed for the beginning mediation, but I am glad I went. I don’t quite know what to do about faith right now, but I love seeing and photographing beauty in nature, feeling connected to the world around me, walking in labyrinths, and meditating to sweet music.
It seems like I just haven’t had any words to write for months…. though I have been attempting to journal at least.
I have another blog post that I haven’t published yet… it’s about death anniversaries and grief and the strange way you feel when most of your life is sunny again and yet you know there’s still that one long shadow. I hope to publish it one day… but the bitterness scares me; and yet the hope in posts like this one scare me too–which am I? Hope or despair, light or darkness? Was my faith-filled past all just a front? “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God?”
I will try to hold on to the sun, to bask in its glow, to remember the truth I find in labyrinth walks. Sometimes I feel so far away from the center… perhaps I’m just standing still… But the center is there, and my fire is still burning, even if it’s faint right now. I will find it again, I hope. And indeed, there will be time.