Aren’t things supposed to be getting “better” with time? It feels as though they are getting worse...
I feel obliged to mention that yesterday, January 29th, marked eleven years since my mom passed. I didn’t really think about it much. I was sick all day and the days leading up to it, and we didn’t really talk about it much… It was kind of an odd contrast to years past, I suppose. Any other year, I would be feeling guilty for not paying more attention to it, for not realizing it, for not being a better daughter… Or I would be feeling tense the entire week before, worrying about my dad and what I could say to him.
But I don’t have to worry about my dad now. He has no pain anymore. He is in the midst of peace and paradise. And I am here, not sure anymore how to handle the passage of time.
Time is passing too quickly. I know I’ve probably said that before, but the feeling is still there. The anxiety, the fear. And sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I find it hard to go to work. Each week when the schedule comes out (two days before the work-week starts), I have a minor panic attack because my hours are different every time and and it feels like I can’t catch a break and can’t I just have one thing to count on in this chaos?
But I do have one thing, I have a home, and I can count on my family being there… Though sometimes it feels like everyone is moving on without me, leaving me behind, isolated in my basement room, and what am I do to?
Tell myself it’s not true, that’s what I can do. I’m ashamed of these thoughts. We are all in this together, we just process in different ways, and we’re all trying to help each other. But oh my goodness, how I really wish I didn’t have to be an adult right now. I want someone to take care of me, to notice I’m hurting, to hold me, and to tell me that it’s okay.
I want my dad to send me a cheesy Valentines gift like he always used to, even when I was twenty-two. But at least I don’t have to worry about him being in pain anymore, and that is a peaceful thought indeed.
I read somewhere recently that God wants us to require Him as a vital necessity (because He is). Is that what this is? I need You vitally right now, God. Come to us like rain, Your love as certain as the dawn.