slow autumn breaths

I’m sitting here, watching my nieces play together. Each time they cuddle with me or give me a hug or smile at my entrance, it’s like my world gets just a little bit better.

I drive West, and I see the mountains in the distance, shadowy giants guarding snowcapped strongholds, the sun illuminating only pieces here and there, clouds covering, clouds breaking… And I feel, just a little bit, like I could be okay.

This could be okay.
There is majesty here, beauty that I can fall into every day.

And then I move, I go to work, surrounded by new people, and I wrestle with this new term: orphan. Is that what I am now? It hurts to go to a place every day and interact with countless people who have no idea that I’m thinking about all this. Something fundamental has changed about who I am, and nobody here in Colorado knows it. I don’t think I’m looking for pity, I am simply looking for someone out there to recognize what is going on inside me and to offer me their acknowledgement, a hand to keep me going…

I don’t know how to find it. Instead of running to the One I know is there, reaching, holding… I search for comfort in stories and fantasies and all I want to do is escape this term, escape this state of being, escape this new way of living, of living without. I get so lost, and sometimes it still feels like I’m drowning.

So I step outside, I breathe in this autumn air, and I try to let the Majesty take me.
I can’t do this any other way.

2 thoughts on “slow autumn breaths

  1. I love the mountains stretching tall, marking west for Denver. In 23 years, I’ve never tired of seeing how they color, shadow, and blaze white against the Colorado blue. More than that, I hear you. Countless times, I have raised my eyes and leaned into that majesty, breathing in the thought that a hand even greater than those majestic mountains made them, and little old me, with my struggling self. It’s a good place to learn to lean. I loved your post. I read a couple of your other recent ones. Those are deep waters you’ve just been through. Will pray for you today when ‘I lift my eyes to the hills’ and remember your good, honest real words that are surely helping others. I am grateful that that’s all He asks us to do sometimes, some seasons, is lean in. Blessings on your Colorado living.

    • Thank you so much for reading, Gwen, and thank you for your encouraging reply. I am truly touched by your words and your prayers.

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