Community, I don’t know how to do this. It’s not something I feel I can write about yet, so this post might not be very eloquent. But it’s bothering me to have something false out here on this blog, so I thought I should correct it.
A few weeks ago, I told you that I was going on an adventure to teach in China for a year. The funny thing is, I had been putting off writing that post for a long time because I didn’t want to speak too soon. Yet, at the time, I felt like I needed to post it because I wanted to share what God was doing in my life and how He was encouraging me.
However, it seems I did speak too soon, because I had no idea what June 10, 2013 would hold. Community, I lost my father that day. It was sudden, and I feel very blindsided. You may remember my post about losing my mother ten years ago. Well now I have lost them both, and I’ve decided to put China on hold right now so that I can move to Colorado and be with my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces during this time.
I don’t believe China was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, because I didn’t even know it was an opportunity four months ago. My God is not bound by time, and I have faith that if He wants me to go to there, or anywhere, He will bring forth another opportunity at another time. Right now, my mission is to be with, grieve with, my family.
However, I still feel blindsided, and angry, and worried that these few months I spent preparing and the many posts I wrote, have been in vain. But I can’t bother about that right now. God knew what He was doing, even if I didn’t. And right now, that thought produces more bitterness in me than comfort, but hopefully over time that will change.
A wise friend counseled me to make my choice out of love and not fear, because God doesn’t want us to act out of fear. If I chose China now, it would be out of fear that I’d be missing out if I didn’t, fear that I’d never get an opportunity like that again, fear that it’s what I’m supposed to do, even though I don’t want to do it… but if I chose to stay with my family, it would be out of love and, in my opinion, faith. So that’s my choice.
It’s scary to feel this helpless. I really have no control over what tomorrow brings, let alone the next month, the next year. I was foolish to think that I did. My God has rendered me helpless, and all I can do is rely on Him. All I can do is let Him gather the broken pieces. All I can do is ask Him to hold us, because I have no idea what else to do right now.
<3 evermind <3