Return.

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It’s been a while, and for that I am sorry. I can feel it in the numbness of my days, in the rush without rest…I can’t bring myself to focus here. I can’t bring myself to focus on emails or text messages or conversations, so how can I focus here? I want to post because I need to– and because I don’t want to let this fall.

It’s been a couple wonderful weeks, actually. My dad came to visit, and God blessed me richly with some great times with him, even with work. I’ve let myself check out from the rest of the world and I’m finding it hard now to resume. I also miss him a lot, and he only left this afternoon.

I’ve experienced some beautiful and heavy moments that I’m not quite sure how to write about yet:
~Passover dinner (that was even longer ago)… / It goes with my blog post about time, I’ve been meaning to write up a response to that, about how the day turned out better than I ever could’ve planned…
~Sitting in the sand in the early morning, watching the sun rise over the crashing waves…
~How I love being by the ocean so much, and God gave me such unexpected joy…
~The chance to learn more about my family…
~Walking into a mausoleum for the first time, thinking about death, looking for the graves of loved ones I never met…
~Grace…

I can’t wrap my head around grace. I feel…estranged. I haven’t been keeping up with my reading, I suppose (or my writing). I don’t know what it is, I just feel …off, and I feel like I can’t get it back because I’m not worthy to get it back. I also can’t bring myself to focus long enough. Jesus, I need You. I need to spend time with my Daddy. I need to draw closer to Him. I want to lay with You in the quiet hours of the night, rest against your chest as the first preparation for morning. I want to pray without ceasing, and to trust fervently that You are who You say You are, that You love me, that You hear me, that You will answer me. I’m sorry for doubting You. I’m sorry for hurting You. Thank You for Your relentless love.

I want to live as one resurrected from the dead. I want to find joy in every day, I want to be content with where my God is and where He is leading me (and I mean really feel it, not just write about it). I posted on Small Still Voices an encouragement about celebrating God’s deliverance daily. I want to really do that, and spend time in the Word daily to remind myself, just as my friend has challenged me to read Luke 12:22-34 every day in the hopes that it would sink into our hearts and bring peace to our minds…

I’m losing the train even now, so I will end it here:
Living Fire, come and overflow
I desire You and You alone.

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