How I foolishly try to hold onto my time

I’m glad that when God wants to make a point to me, He doesn’t let up. He keeps pushing it in front of my face until I finally get it. (This is not sarcasm, it’s genuine gratitude as I marvel at the way God works.)

Today, I woke up twenty minutes before I meant to at 6:20am and got ready for work. I had my entire day planned out (and had been stressing over it all weekend). Go to work, hope I can make it through traffic, work, drive to my other work to have an important conversation, have a confusing phone interview while in the parking lot, stop by the store, kill some time in a coffee shop for an hour or two because it doesn’t make sense to drive all the way home, and then head to a Passover dinner in the area.

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Then I looked out my window and saw the tree branches covered in snow that was still falling. My “boss” (this week a parent I’m babysitting for) texted me to tell me that he’d be staying home and that I didn’t need to come over unless I felt comfortable around noontime  if the roads were clear. That was very generous of him because driving in the snow scares me. However, in the back of my mind all I can think about is, “But I need this money…”

But I don’t, do I? If I needed it, I would have it. But that’s not the point God’s been trying to make to me all week. Well, it’s part of it, or maybe it’s a different point… What I’ve been struggling with, though, aside from money, is the way I hold on to my time.

I plan out my days and freak out when anything goes off schedule. The past few days things have been going wrong left and right…. Not anything big, not enough to freak out over, but I freak out over it. I freak out over little things too, stuff that gets solved or worked out only an hour later, so that if I had just been patient I could’ve saved myself a lot of unnecessary stress. That’s been happening a lot the past few days too, I’ve freaked out about many things and and they’ve gradually settled… I was going to write a blog post about it, about how I need to trust God in the little things because big things are coming, but I never got around to it. Well, today was supposed to be one of those “big thing” days, and now I suddenly have time I wasn’t planning for.

I don’t want to hold onto my days and my time so tightly. I’ve been upset and frustrated over the fact that I have to work almost every day that my dad’s in town, so I feel like I don’t get to spend any time with him. But God showed me today that the fact that I get to spend any time with him at all is a gift and a blessing, and I can’t control it, so I should just accept the time I’ve been given.

In church the past couple weeks and on our pastor’s blog, we’ve been talking about letting go. What sorts of things do you need to let go, to relinquish, to hand out of your control over to Jesus and His control? This morning in my journal I wrote, “God I relinquish my time,” and while my pen still touched the paper I got the text message about my schedule changing today.

I wish I didn’t get so stressed when work and meeting and hang-out schedules change. I wish I didn’t get so stressed when I work every day, but then also stressed when I have a day off because I don’t know what to do with it. Man, it’s a good thing I’m really not in control or my life would be a total mess. …And even as I write this, I just wasted some of that time perusing facebook.

God, my time is not mine, it is Yours. You deserve all my praise, all my attention, all my honor, You deserve even more than I could ever give. You’ve given me more than I could ever deserve. Thank You, for being sovereign but also good. What is man, that you are mindful of him? The son of man, that you care for him? O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

I don’t know what today is going to bring. I thought I knew, but I was wrong. I think I’m starting to realize that I can never know for sure what my days will hold, but I can know the One who does. Regardless of what comes, I want to know Him today.

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3 thoughts on “How I foolishly try to hold onto my time

  1. Time is a tough one to let go of… especially in our society where we can “schedule” our “schedule” to the second. Its amazing when you read Scripture (like James) and the Bible very clearly states that God directs the paths of our feet and the course of our days. Mysterious, yet comforting and, if we’re honest, sometimes downright frustrating… in a life-giving way.

    • Yes, I was thinking about those verses as I wrote this, the verses about how it is foolish to say “Tomorrow, we shall go to this place and do such and such,” but rather we should say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will do this,” because none of it is under our control anyway. I think you’re right, mysterious comforting and frustrating….but all in a way that leads us closer to the Lord!

  2. Pingback: Return. | evermind: Chased by Light

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