Truth: I am not okay.
I always try to conclude my blog posts with some kind of hopeful resolution or expectation,
but right now, the truth is, I am not okay.
I haven’t been for a while.
But I haven’t said anything about it because I don’t want to come across as ungrateful or self-pitying. (Because I am super grateful for God’s provision. Please hear me when I say that.)
The only person I’ve really talked to about this is my dad, but there’s only so much he can do from the other end of a phone 1600 miles away.
I haven’t talked to anyone else because I don’t know how.
Because I feel like part of the reason I’m not okay is my own fault,
and part of it is that I don’t want burden my friends with my “pessimism.”
The other part of it is, I don’t know who to talk to anymore,
Because I feel so far away from everyone I love (even if they’re in the same state)
And because I’m terrible at communication.
I’ve lost friendships not because of anger or conflict, but simply from lack of communication on one or both ends. And that breaks my heart.
I’m not saying this to make you feel bad for me.
That’s the thing.
It’s not like I want to talk to someone so that they can pity me. I don’t even necessarily want answers. I want to talk to someone because I believe in community and authenticity, and because I really respect my friends and their faith.
But I don’t know how to do this. And I feel so alone.
I wrote in my journal a month ago that I thought God was telling me, “Yes, be not complacent, but be content. That’s what this season is for: be content with the Lord Jesus, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.” I haven’t been doing a great job at that.
I don’t know how. Lord, show me how.
I don’t know how to be content when I’m in my room in the middle of suburbian nowhere with no one to call and nothing to write. Because I’m so incredibly insecure that I can’t bring myself to call anyone or write or edit anything.
I don’t know how to be content when I know my family is together, and I can’t be there.
I don’t know how to be content when all I do is school and work, and I don’t have much chance to connect at school and I don’t feel comfortable at work.
And it’s very hard to be content when I know that in three months I will have to have already figured out a future that is completely dark to me right now.
I’m losing sight of my purpose. My purpose is to glorify God. And I can do that in school and work, I can do that in my room alone, but I haven’t been doing it very well. I’m clouded right now. I want to reach out, I want to strengthen friendships. I want to pray for you. I want to pray. But I’m not doing a very good job at it, and so I hesitate to message you or call you, because I want so much more from you than I am able to give back right now.
Please be patient with me. Thank you for your gracious love.